Speaking Ghetto

It was a pretty typical Tuesday for me. Two of my stops are in what I call Ghetto Lanett. I went in the first store and listened to owners argue in their Indian language about what cigarettes to order. Then their clerk, Tajuanita said, "Gurh, get over here. I've got to akst you about conty music. I need to know the name of a song cuz I wants to download it. It has to do with drinking to this, that and the other."

I said, "Sorry but I don't know that song but most country songs are about drinking."She said, "Gurh, you white. I know you know all about conty."
I gave up and went to the restroom. I was peeing when she stuck her head in the door and excitedly yelled, "Mz. Donna, come quick, that song is on the radio." I said, "Give me a minute." She yelled, "No it'll be gone. Now!"

So I wiped myself, pulled up my pants and went out. After listening, I told her it seemed like the name would be, "Drink to it and it sounded like Blake Shelton." She said, "That white one on The Voice? You mean he's hot and can actually sing?" I said, "Yes," She said with her hand on her hip, "I want me some of that." I said, "Only after I get mine," and turned toward to the restroom to wash my hands.

I went o to the second store, and as soon as I hit the door, Layla said,"Mz. Donna, I need your help." I go behind the counter and asked what she needed. She said, "You know conty music? Cuz Tajuanita keeps calling me aksting me about a drinkin' song. I'm ghetto, and gurh, I don't know conty music."

I said, "Don't worry about it, we figured it out."
She said, "Good, cuz I don't know that s***, and I'm tired of that gurh calling me."

As a customer walked up to the counter (definitely was an out-of-towner), she said, "Order me some Petunias." I said, "Okay, do you want full flavor or menthol?" The man said, "Do you sell cigarettes or flowers?" Layla held up a pack said, "Cigarettes... fool. These!" The man said,"Those are Fortunas not Petunias." Layla with head rotating said. "Petunias ... Foruntas, who gives a f***? Mz. Donna knows what I want."

I said, "Do you need cindarellas?" The man said, "Cindarellas?" I said, "It's cigarillos." He asked,"Did you have to take a class to speak ghetto?" I said, "No, it's on the job training." He said, "I don't think I have the patience for your job." I said, "Probably not."

Lanett is ghetto but I don't mind going there. I've never felt threatened or scared except ... a few weeks ago when one store was roped off because her daughter's boyfriend shot at her, and at the other store, one of the owners threatened to get his gun because he was mad at a customer.

Ah, Tuesday ... can't wait until next week.